Build 05/30: Managing a Productivity Crash

⊕ show captionHey, look at that dark cloud! You don't think it's going to rain, do you?

Yesterday was an unexpected productive day. I had picked something that I thought woudl be "fast and easy"Making a "small addition" to existing code, as reported in the Day 04 report. but still ended up taking way more time than I thought.

Then I went to sleep at 4AM because I obsessively kept finding little aesthetic improvements I could make (see margin note to the right for a list).

I thought nothing of it at the time, and was really happy that my newish website was starting to feel really good. I was very excited about starting today by looking at graphics again or maybe drawing something.

That didn't happen because my entire body was stuck in slow motion. I was tired, probably dehydrated, and frankly feeling worn-out. My brain was saying go go go but my body was not reacting.

Hypothesis: Overdrawn Energy Budget

The reason that I had wanted to do "fast and easy" yesterday was because of my energy budget. This "energy", as I call it, is like the juice that makes my brain functions well and it needs to be balanced. There are at least three different parts of my brainThis is modeled visually in Sri's Busy Busy World in the post Making Operational Diagrams for Motivation that are all drawing from the same energy source.

• emotional regulation - grants the ability to resist negative emotions
• analytical focus - grants the ability to link thoughts together to solve challenges
• executive function - enables performing tasks without avoidance or distraction

I'm not exactly sure what this "energy" is made of, but it is variable and depends on how "connected" I feel to the world and to other people. It's also driven by curiosity and novelty. I am unable to tell how much energy I have at a given time or predict if I'll still have it 5 minutes from now. But there are warning signs:

• poor emotional regulation - I'm having feelings of sadness then highs of satisfaction. The dysregulation is in that they are forefront in my brain. Negative feelings and emotional swings aren't the issue unless they block me from trying something.
• poor analytical focus - I'm having trouble holding thoughts long enough in my head to form an intention or draw a conclusion
• executive function - the combination of the above two, plus physical discomfort from cold and digestive systems, is making it extremely hard to tell my body what to doSimilar to mental fatigue, which occurs with everyone. But in my case, it is more about the ability to self-motivate and initiate actions..

Up until today, there were no signs of the above. I thought I had been pacing myself well by selecting "small-enough tasks" that wouldn't blow my energy budget AND allow self-care time, but I think I messed up. It's 6:00PM now and the best I can do is write a little report without falling over.

Possible triggers for my current state:

• I did way too much yesterday, stayed up too late, and got too little sleep.
• I have been having great productivity days, but I have been eating poorly and not drinking enough water. I've also been neglecting other household things and self care rituals.
• Seasonal Affective Disorder Syndrome? It's getting cold and I'm noticing that there is less sun coming into the house.
• Hormone cycle? I could be starting to enter the down cycle. Gastic distress, fatigue hit me about a month ago according to my notes. Y

Mitigation Strategies

Assuming I've overdrawn my energy budget, I should let it replenish. I'm really concerned about getting my design business stuff up and running ASAP, but it's this mentality that has been destructive in the past. I'm just short of being in crunch mode and that isn't sustainable.

As a datapoint, for the first four days of this challenge I've been spending an average of 8-14 hours per day, with 4-6 hours of that time spent just on writing the blog posts and rebuilding my workflow. Yesterday was about 16 hours of work, including a social hosting function that further depleted my energy.

When I am overdrawing my energy like this for extended periods of time, I've noticed signs of dysregulation like:

• ordering and eating more food than I should, especially treats
• inability to fall asleep without bingeing low-effort youtube
• not noticing the house getting messy, but wanting to just leave
• ordering things and then not opening the boxes when they arrive
• avoiding cleaning, showering, and scheduling appointments

These symptoms are cormorbid with many other clinical conditions such as depression experienced by people under stress due situations not under their control. As I feel that I do have control, I'm choosing to frame this as the need to take care of myself and rest.

My fallback skill is to type. The act of typing my thoughts doesn't need any of the above systems to be functioning well, as writing is automatic. I can read what I wrote so thought continuity is easier. I can try to describe negative emotions, which helps create distance from them and then bring them under control. And typing requires minimal physical movement, which makes it easier to be comfortable, and I can usually find some new path to try which gives me some energy back.

BUILD CHALLENGE COMMENTARY

So that's my strategy. I'm taking Saturday and Sunday off to not think about the building challenge at all and try to be nice to myself despite all the concerns I have. The energy I have will go into the adulting I've been avoiding and trying to be at peace with my living space.

I have never been good at this, but perhaps that is the surprise building challenge sharepiece of the day:

I say the words, but I find it hard to believe in them. I think that makes it clear that it's something I have to face. There is a mismatch between my desire for a joyful life and knowing how make it so.