Sri's Theory of Friendship

I have been blessed with several best friends through my life, which got me to where I am today. We were comrades! We were silly experiementors! We learned about each other and talked through the night tackling or problems together. We learned to cry together, and always celebrated the other's experience.

I would like more such people in my life. Old friends move far away and raise families, and the intimate connections that helped us grow longer and looser. The challenge for adults these days is to recapture those bonds. My reason for articulating this challenge is entirely selfish: I need these people in my life to be my creative, sparkling best. I'm also introverted, transgender, emotionally-driven, and a touch autistic. This makes it challenging to just "go out and make friends". That said, I'm also a monstrously systematic, human-centered cross-disciplinary designer with a misspent youth in computer engineering and video game design; I'm just nutty enough to believe maybe I can solve this.

A Friendship-Based Group Architecture

My latest attempt to solve this challenge has been to define three places:

• A "Meadow" where "all the animals are friends"
• A "Colony" where people come together to build mutual creative abundance
• An "Adventurer's Guild" where groups with similar skills and aspirations can practice and grow their capabilities

The Meadow

Genuine friendship is not performative or simply agreeable for the sake of public appearances. Genuine friendship grows from a tiny spark of recognition and vulnerability. Its strength develops in heartfelt and safe contexts, and with luck becomes strong enough to survive in public spaces. And thus, the seed of friendship can grow to include more and more people to form a community. This is the goal of The Meadow.

The Colony

With such friends, knowledge of each other's capabilities, and the experience of working together on projects, it's possible to grow into a larger mission-based organization. The level of commitment and satisfaction will vary between members of the extended group. Intimacy may be lost. But such an organization that is engineered to recognize that heartfeld warmth, pragmatic mission paramaters that contribute to friendship development, and resilience against performative bullshit may last longer to do good in the universe. This is the goal of The Colony.

The Adventurer's Guild

With such friends, you have the resources to take collaborative action to change the world. First in small ways for the group's own amusement, then in ways that invite others to participate and find a way to connect with each other. There are many examples of this: MMORPG guilds, running clubs, artist collectives, crafting circles, citizen science, etc. This is the goal of banding together to go on creative Expeditions, to develop this capability and raise everyone up.

Foundational Assumptions about Friendship

The Meadow, Adventurer's Guild, and The Colony are built on what my best friend experiences have been like. For me, these are the most salient factors:

• Core assumption: Friends communicate with genuine authenticity and transparency with each other. There is no guile, hidden agenda, or manipulation. All interactions are conducted with assumed good faith.
• Friends strive to speak their personal truths as well as they can. They listen as much as they speak. This is how the foundation of trust is built. They "see" each other, and feel "seen".
• The primary contract between friends is to wish the best for each other and to support each other in what way they can. A friend appreciates what is offered and doesn't expect commitment as proof of loyalty.
• Communication is consistent across both public and private contexts, which helps earn trust.
• A promise made is a promise kept. If the promise can't be kept, communication is conveyed well in advance.
• In friendship, the contract is an equalizer of social status. A friend is someone one can confide in.
• In disagreements, friends recognize that different opinions can co-exist within the bond, most of the time. Friends don't want to hurt each other, even though they can be angry. They learn how to negotiate the differences while preserving the trust and connection.
• Friends are comfortable being vulnerable with describing their dreams, challenges, and failures with each other. This is heartfelt communication experienced by the very best of friends.
• Friends give and take, slowly growing the friendship through meaningful acts of giving and collaboration.
• Friends remember the history of their lives, jobs, and life experiences, which becomes a shorthand that can be used with old friends.

Developing this level of emotional intelligence not only requires a lot of work, but requires psychological safety as well. The world is harsh and judgmental, and it's safer to say as little about yourself as possible in uncertain social and workplace context.

Safer forms of friendship are more prevalent than the lucky accident that is "genuine friendship" as I've defined it. People find their friends through an interest- or context-based familiarity like a hobby, movie, or common workplace. This creates a feeling of safety because there are connection points that come from an external reference. The repetition of interaction creates a feeling of "safety through familiarity".

• Shared Interests and Activities - The only requirement is knowing the interest topic and how to do the activity. It's safe to communicate and agree with each other over external facts, so one's personal vulnerability does not need to be exposed. With time, familiarity may give rise to more genuine friendships as people learn about each other.

• Shared Challenges - People who have worked together on a difficult challenge that pushed them hard emotionally develop trust on survival and success. The commitment, hard work, and sacrifice are recognizeable. This serves as a credibility indicator for trust, and can form the basis for forming genuine friendship.

• Assumed Familiarity - Long association with anyone creates a baseline of safety because the other is simply known in a familiar, safe context. Family ties can also fall into this category, both within the family and across generations and extended family. However, this can be both positive and negative, as they are "assumed" rather than "communicated" ties; it's quite different than "Chosen family and friends".

• Assumed Good Will - When very young, it's easier to form friendships because good is implicit in children, and children are generally not acting with guile or manipulation in mind. Mature organizations built on cultural values of vulnerability and acceptance often have this assumed good will too, which makes it easier for participants to develop closer ties within the sanctuary.

• Affirming Identity Groups - People who share identity-based interests or deep topical passions can become emotionally-connected friends. It's a subset of vulnerability in that you've found SAFETY with others who share your niche interests and belief, creating a sense of belonging. This is not quite the same as being personally vulnerable, but it creates a safety pocket in which people can grow together.

For my selfish purposes I seek an environment where I can practice authenticity, transparency, and curiosity with others that do the same. This is NOT a requirement for any of the forms of friendship I describe above; this is what I want to engineer as a set principled positive practice that can be easily followed.