Factors relating to "Energy Capacity
My energy capacity has felt low for quite some time, a combination of leakage from dealing with non-Sri-kin and the absence of “free floating encounters with joy” in the immediate environment. I’ve been in subsistence mode for a while? Several years? I would credit myself though for recognizing this and trying to improve the sitch. But I haven’t thought about what I’d specifically do as capacity increases! Something to think about.
I find myself thinking of the portrayal of Murderbot though I don’t know ultimately where the character will go. The general disdain for messy uninformed humans and the choice to protect them out of the need to mask for self-preservation but weirdly also grounded in narrative media-derived morals is relatable. Growing my capacity is a priority, and I am going to stop feeling guilty about its size and what I think are shortcomings. So long as I try to make it work for survival and friends united to make something good with meticulously clear intent, that should be sufficient for now. For that, I need multiple budgets for time, resources, spending.
Humans, I think, are rather easy to understand at a broad level and easy to predict. What keeps this knowledge from becoming evil is a belief that humane values are the guiding messy principle, and the expectation that there’s a good chance that humans will happily throw you under the bus to save their skin if their own existential horror lines are not crossed. I myself don’t know mine…I know I am not the duty of person who will confront someone, as I see any confrontation (even seemingly mild ones) as potentially life-threatening due to unknown escalation instincts and long term grudges. (I should say that NOW I find humans relatively easy to predict, at least on the surface level. There is a trick to not making this a blind spot that I would like to work out) Anyway, this small cat is thinking of big cat concerns, and the strategic need to build capacity to find and recruit capable warriors. While also training herself for this lonely excursion. A major concern is losing humanity along the way, hard-won ability to smile and be a source of comfortable friendship to others. (tangent: this is maybe a good background detail for a character)
Waves of gender dysphoria and something new: dawning regret and sadness about whether I should accept defeat. I don’t think I will, as I think finding gender euphoria is possible but I don’t know what it will look like for me. I think I am accepting that I’m just different and it’s extremely important for me to have a grasp on those differences relative to others. But not for competitive/status reasons. Just for efficient interaction that is within acceptable parameters so my existence is trouble free. The social media dialog about masking seems to stem from feelings of not being seen or allowed to be who they are in their social contexts. This doesn’t quite affect me; I’m weirdly detached from this now, as I’ve reframed it as a difference in cognitive processing compatibility, not active indifference or lack of caring.
Feeling rather discombobulated at the moment. Depleted, sad, disconnected, stagnant. Rather than analyze it, I could just rest. But I am tired and frustrated with lack of capacity and getting knocked into rest cycles. Noting to self this is around monthly moody time. And I have not been eating well. Have to push slowly through this sense of doom and remember that any small victory like doing laundry or tidying will likely push back feelings of doubt and despair.
Losing myself in fictional worlds seems to be my subconscious coping fallback. I have to replant the narrative in own embodied existence?
The resistance is still there. I wish I knew where it came from. I despise this part of myself. I have tried listening to it and embracing it as a cat trait, but I think I have accommodated it long enough. This lizard is like a lump of a boyfriend Ive been carrying too long. My own fears of inadequacy allow it to stick around.
YESSSS channel the resentment, even though I am also disgusted with myself. It never occurred to me that I could do this (or try) to evict a long tenant of my consciousness. The lizard is one of the first ones, at least 20 years of having a name.
I have realized that lazy lizard bum has a friend, the jittery one that wants to be entertained constantly and will go through your fridge uninvited and play with your stuff when you’re away! He especially needs to go. Impossible to feel safe with this guy around. He steals time and makes me nervous when he’s around. He is called the procrastination monkey in other productivity literature. Lizard and Monkey. I think my insomnia is being influenced by the monkey. I very much forced myself to go to sleep by blanking mind and eventually slept with stressful dreams. Brain is not fully rested still. but it is no longer really painfully tired.
Da Interwebs says metformin side effects do include tiredness and dizziness as side effects 🤔 Also, B12 deficiency over the long term, which leads to anemia, tingling in extremities, hair/nails issues? So maybe I need to time the metformin so I'm taking it when I can afford to be sleepier: once before dinner, and then if I wake up too early taking it again and going back to sleep. Also I have B12 supplements that I could be using; I had switched to B-Complex but apparently there's no danger in taking a lot of B12 because what I don't use is passed out.
It might be worth trying continuous blood sugar monitoring to see what’s going on. I’m not sure if I’m in a hypoglycemic state. I have only eaten half a banana after taking metformin a while ago. Brain executive function fading in and out. Switching to physical mode.
I have felt physically uncomfortable for the past few days, maybe this is cause for insomnia. I am in grumpy potato cat mode, making lots of noises to express changes in emotional status, just like the fucking FedEx app. Setting short term plan to escape from couch nest and get dump sticker for car. That unlocks future decluttering runs, finally.
behavioral amendment - my body lies to me a lot about its capabilities, or rather my mind is. I'm not sure where it comes from, this constant signaling that I'm too tired or whatever to do anything. It's the insidious lizard boyfriend? The problem with framing him as boyfriend is that he actually is part of me and can't be yeeted with his odious monkey friend. So the amendment is to ignore these negative sentiments from inside me as much as possible. The power move is simply to get up and go somewhere else, a symbolic physical distancing from the place where lizard energy has pooled into a sticky gummy mess. (so gross) (complicated body dysphoria connection snipped to prevent debilitating stupid associations) (garraaagh) The idea of sitting in one place allows lizard goo to build up is a fun visualization. Well, not fun. USEFUL. I feel the goo here building up. NEED TO MOVE.
Noting that I'm feeling resistance, and it's actually likely eyestrain + not wanting to work on this janky codebase. These glasses are a bit out of prescription, and the replacement ones already break...need to try to effect a repair with wire and epoxy after I clear space where I can comfortably do such projects on an open tabletop. Yeeting the lizard monkey distractions. Calling on the power of Willful Adventure Cat Reality Transformation! Mew!
Today was not a bad day, despite headache. I had a full meal before meeting at 6pm, and I took metformin then with no side effects. So perhaps if I’m fasting in the morning, it’s ok to not take it. I might have been putting myself in a hypoglycemic state. Will ask doctor.
Hmm, magical adventure cat IS severely hampered by overthinking situations, but also thinks of thinking ability as strength. This is all caused by social forces from “dumb” people and my own aversion to this kind of scrutiny. Is it possible that this was actually all a control method used subconsciously by them?
Doing a bit of work before the parade. Yesterday I was not only mad at React, but also at the shocking implementation of a multi-client locking mechanism that was client authoritative and really shoddily architected. In fact, I don't think it was architected at all. Entirely discouraging. I feel better today, and am resigned to working with it. I am now totally drained mentally by the sheer wrongness of the code. None of the existing code guaranteed lock authority. It just rebroadcasted state from client uncritically, in the wrong order, with zero granularity. The compromise to move forward is to write my code assuming it works. The stress caused by this is very high. Maybe similar to an autistic meltdown? but i’m controlling it rather unsuccessfully because the sentiment is spilling out into my public dev log. It’s highly edited and doesnt directly assign blame, but pointing out the dozens of consistencies (with allowances made for “our” inexperience then) probably doesn’t read as positive 90S In that sense, Im not successful at all in containing it…just not having a meltdown in the dramatic sense.
Mew, had dreams about controlling my emotions for the benefit of others. Bittersweet, and necessary. Have been so angry working with this awful code, which is from a time when I was assuming competence and understanding, and letting things slide out of good will. As it seems to be per usual, this appeasement just heaps pain back on me years later. And yet, no one really is at fault or was willful. I’m reminded of the 1985 paper on programming as theory (which I haven’t gotten back to) with the two proposed ways of thinking about coding.
But I think I need to direct this anger better. Part of frustration is not having other compatible brains to really marathon with on interesting endeavors. Maybe thinking of what I do as a “running club” is a useful analogy. I happen to have a best friend who started a successful one so I’ll ask him about it.
Dev partner has explained that the system is complicated because it has to do a lot of synchronization. I’m not sure whether this is intended to justify it or he actually thinks I don’t understand it. Likely, applying 90S filtering, it is an attempt to acquiesce and also retain some semblance of face rather than directly admit fault. I have replied “I can see what it is trying to do and where it falls short. Async programming is the devil without a solid model. Because the system overall is so fragile and adhoc, changing it without breaking something is a real concern.” It sounds lightly critical to me, but any criticality at all is magnified in a 90S context Id wager I have to admit that I am not entirely rational about this, though. I should attempt to wipe the slate clean. Here goes. “So it is what it is. We can fix it and it will be a distant memory. I just cant do it as fast as I like. I’d have to lobotomize decades of hard-won theory and practice, and that’s proving difficult.” Still probably sounds snooty, and I also feel like I’m whining a bit.
“In the end it is just code and soon we’ll be on to newer things, so I’m feeling optimistic.” I have to give dev partner the room to develop and grow with respect to his code, but he is not a theory builder at heart, I suspect. I think Naur does not directly say this in his essay, but he might believe as I do that theory-minded programmers (and teams!) are rare. So we’re doomed to expensive inefficiency by those who are incapable of constructing theory, and just apply intelligent patterns without understanding them.
Mew, after watching epic SF whose characters really moved me suffering of in galactic, human scale…I feel like such a small vain silly cat. Small and petty, mew Feeling rather squished too It has been a while since I’ve felt that. Perhaps exposure to fiction is that path to spiritual rejuvenation that reality fails to provide in its daily scramblings Adventure Cats don’t like to stay squished. They hopefully puff right back up again, more resilient and wise?
Still feeling rather squished. Unsettled. Feeling the stirrings of depressive thoughts, like I don’t matter and am indeed a small insignificant speck. But maybe I can perform a small movement of self-serving action. First let me cook the soup and noodles that joy (owner of asian market) gave me to try. Then, I will try to visit one of my many seemingly stalled projects as I have been feeling stuck in catching up with domestic needs and work dumbness. Movement movement movement, small cat! I think I’m feeling, though, that anything I do is insignificant. I am not sure how to change that narrative. But movement is what I have.
Be brave small cat! You are beloved of meee! Believe! That we are here at all…is a blessing. We find our way. We are one of many small cats!!!
I started winding down earlier tonight. I’m noticing that I’m eating extremely impulsively after work session. I’m not eating in the morning, skipping metformin (no headache nap crashes since). I’m taking it now only if I am having a substantial meal, which is probably still twice as much as I need to eat. It’s more reward eating for a brain that’s used up all its discipline. This suggests that I may be overdrawing from my energy capacity. It’s increasing but it is hard to estimate, and physical conditioning is not much improved. I don’t have a good sense of what is the right amount of effort for work and mental self care. I spend a lot of time with mental self care, but a good deal of it could be seen as distraction/procrastination. I have tended to see that as the result of various social and professional deficiencies, though. The work to create the colony etc is difficult to do solo and increases the draw against limited reserves of discipline.
So as part of developing capacity, I think developing good energy management instincts to prevent running my battery all the way down might be good. What happens if I try to retain a 50% reserve for AFTER I do work and chores?
I think I have to accept that today is a recovery day? I am dysregulated still after maybe quite a lot of work…I am terribly unaware of my own needs here…it’s either focused go go go or the dysregulated go go go. I don’t maybe have advance awareness of moderate go go or just go. Is this a thing people can do? Not constantly seeking the most go go go all the time? I associate NOT doing this with non-builder/creators and maybe I am in a toxic relationship with myself here.
Also thinking I have always lambasted myself about doing very little everyday, but it actually is a lot. Sri thinks. A lot. It’s productive synthesis and makes her sharper. I should not feel any shame about it. I am, after all, a magical adventure cat and we are fucking adorable AND mysterious! The way I work is marvelously layered and sophisticated. Many details are considered thoughtfully and resolved. You don’t ask a magical adventure cat to do fast and shoddy just to get it done, unless that is the specific magic you wish for; it’s your fault if your wish was ill considered. That’s a basic truth of magical wishing, you tools!! And Sri is Sri. Which as Bear knows and Tobes and Ellie recognize, means marvelously complicated and sophisticated and she doesn’t know it because she’s doesn’t think of it that way. The pain of isolation, though, has made her doubt herself as being the one at fault. Sri (they/she) — 7/5/25, 6:41 PM So maybe Sri has made a big step in accepting her own truth? Let’s get candy and see if the world seems different! (my imaginary floofy cat tail is tall and proud!!!)
Movement Katas
I think this is another good application of “movement” to current thinking. Shifting the emphasis from doing to moving is a principle-based simplification of Sri leadership. I can generally trust myself to deal with (or retreat strategically from) anything I am likely to encounter during everyday movement. In the past I didn’t, but my modeling of people differences is more sharply tuned now. I’ve had a strong sense of myself for a number of years, but was uncertain about interacting with hoomans without taking an extreme position. ... (not a good dream, residual fiscal responsibility anxiety maybe from talking with people yesterday) Hopefully movement breaks the lethargy
Here’s a shot at defining the idea: Movement Kata:
A purposeful combination of utility, aesthetics, and physical problem solving, applied together toward meeting a magical adventure cat`s needs. A healthy adventure cat will use movement katas as exercise as their form of “core workout” for their essential trinity of mental, physical, magical systems working together in harmony. To maintain good health, a magical adventure cat needs to ensure this balance daily with full presence. It’s a symbolic commitment ritual to the individual cat’s values, aspirations, and commitment to effecting change.
The Movement Kata was developed as a counter to some cats tendency to exercise only their mental muscles, often in a disembodied way. These cats become rotund, unable to squeeze into their preferred tubes of fabric that highlight their natural attractive qualities. This leads to dismay and helpless mewing, a decidedly unmagical way of being. Confidence is the foundation of all active entities, and magical adventure cats are no different.
Today’s movement kata was rearranging and checking plants. I planted some sad green onions into unused soil, broke some dried peppers so the seeds came out and stuffed them in other holes, when watered. Exciting! It’s another nice space…that makes 4 out of 10 total spaces in Sri House that are becoming comforting contemplative spaces!!
Other katas: (acceptance of help kata) (acceptance of connection kata) Sri (they/she) — Yesterday at 7:54 PM (body expansion kata) (embodied memory kata) (breathing centering kata) (visual presence kata) (direct attention into physical space, not fear of information loss device use) ( trust in embodied present cat wisdom to know a thing to do ) (skin sensation kata) (mortality kata) terror of embodied state
Master Takeaway…I think the willingness to let thoughts float away instead of holding on to them out of fear that they are important is the base. Sri-kin has so many thoughts they don’t need to worry that they are precious resources. Sri-kin already trained enough on thoughts, have good base! Trust in crystallized knowledge was there. Can always turn on thought capture + crystalization for new things when it involves other people working directly with me or when stakes are obviously critical.
Auxiliary takeaway: When I had worked through all the katas (very lightly) I was suddenly painfully conscious of the body I occupied as if it were…a transferrance of awareness into a host. In trope terms, like a spirit reborn into unfamiliar physical body, having forgotten the feeling of having one but marveling at the experience. Is this how other people feel all the time? As I walked outside in familiar yet unfamiliar body, looking at my legs as they moved felt like a new experience.
Magical Adventure Cat as personal archetype
Hoomans are different, fickle, and I think I can read their surface mental models in a few minutes of interaction now for efficient interface switching. Whether I can do this in an agreeably genuine and warm way is of great concern. I have a lot of emotional and analytical energy at the same time. I wonder if this is similar to having a lot of male and female energy simultaneously as Dragon Friend describes, if I am recalling correctly this being the case.
My experience of having both high emotional sensing and high intellectualizing is that it’s a lot, and when I share it with people it is overwhelming and at times intimidating. It’s only recently that I thought this might be an unusual trait that sets me apart, the key source of being difficult to relate to. It doesnt seem troublesome for me, unless I am hampered by others in pursuing a principle-driven outcome that is considerate of others. This is maybe why I am reacting so strongly to code base. No effective principles followed. No consideration to others in basic consistency and documentation. I expected better from dev partner. And I don’t want to feel that way or cast blame. But I am highly aware right now how working 10 years on this has made it difficult to have a worthwhile showcase for my own work, and the opportunity cost to finish this is huge.
I have compromised a lot to this work. Weak project management. Weak design. Weak technical comprehension. 10 years I have hoped for improvement, and I guess Im done waiting. The income and personal dev partner relationship though were very good for me, though. But I want the other stuff too. I guess I’m awake.
insight I have not really embraced my dualities, thinking that I need to present a consistent interface to society. But if I embrace them (like switching emotional to production modes) without worry of how that might scare people, that might be a powerful thing to do. I have been operating in fear of losing one duality when I emphasize another. I have found the emotional poles more comfortable in recent years, and learned to trust that the analytical poles would assert themselves when needed; they were always there in the background, growing and learning. The same can be said about the emotional poles; they come back even after going into intense Hermit/Robot Modes, despite my fears they won't. To embrace this duality is a good start. This also means that I am not so much non-binary in the technical term as I am fluid, albeit mostly fixed by male biology and conditioning. However, I think I will stick with non-binary for pure social interface reasons, as it feels more sexless than gender-fluid, and as someone on the asexual axis this seems more convenient when I have to talk to people about it.
So...I think I can switch modes without fear of losing any of them. They are strongly built because I built them and know every decision that went into their design. I know my heart well, having struggled with it for so long, and we have become friends, and I have given every construct a piece of it. So I don't know who "I" am, really, in a way I can explain or present consistently. That is the evolving social interface. What makes these dualities palatable to others is anchored by my expressed values of transparency, authenticity, and curiosity about truth. And I think that anchor is simply presence before others, guided by my values, and orchestrated by my dualities. Because really...most people can't read dualities and multiplicities, even their own? So, to borrow a Draconic insight, my "sharpness" looks like astigmatism or myopia to normals that expect a single image to resolve, but I can embrace my dualities personally and present whatever needs to be seen by someone who can't process them. Like a 2D shadow cast by a 3D object. Ok, back to work. I am limiting it to 90 minutes to see how far I get.
CORRECTION (temp break): normals can’t perceive, process, much less hold multiplicities in their head at all. Their pattern recognition buffers are not designed to hold distinct layers that are simultaneously valid, and therefore their response patterns are insufficient; they must fall back on niceties or emotions. It is a mistake to think they perceive multiplicities as multiple images. What they see instead are disorienting signals they can’t lock on. So, amendment to self-dx as autistic to a “multiplicity” might be worth exploring, though this starts to impinge on systems space and I don’t want to trespass. I’ve noticed trans autistic people also exploring this idea, similar to my construct theory, but are instead exploring the idea of being a System. I am pretty sure I am not one. There might be an unknown-to-me divergence type that will point to the land of the Sri-kin.
I wrote in the calendar entry (repeating yearly on June 23) On this day, Sri accepted that she is not a single Magical Adventure Cat that can change sizes, but is actually multiple cats. She has a dualistic nature, able to manage logic and emotion at the same time, as well as multiple systems of understanding to see the cross connections. She is also not simply a binary female or male, but has decided that she can exist in non-binary state and not be too concerned about it. (though internally, she thinks of being female in essence). She can flex and be gend fluid as the situation calls for it. She also has accepted that expressing one pole of her dualities doesn't diminish the other; she used to be afraid of its loss (e.g. hermit mode) but she has realized that she really can trust herself. This multiplicative state of perceiving and living is beyond most people's experience, and they can not perceive it. Therefore, they can not even conceive of it. It's just a weird noise, as they prefer to see one dimension at a time and are uncomfortable when they mix together. Sri is more comfortable with seeing two and reconciling them; she is a collection of dualities which limits her n-space to n=2 (she's binary thinking in that way, but layered with multiple layers of perception and analysis)
Thinking about the term "multiplicity" and "collection of dualities" after responding in blood I don't think I am actually a "duality" in the way it implies. Things that fall into similar pattern quantum state existing being the entirety of a pole-to-pole axis, like I exist as the range of [0,1] across multiple axes a manifold of n-dimensions of possibility, with several intuitive guesses as to what optimal points converge most ideally for a given situation. Like newton-raphson with a really good guessing algorith for where to start; I'm not sure how it works with n-dimensions though. These are accessible at all times; the sense of self seems to focus on selecting which "ranges" to apply, and deriving new insights from them into a new model. Also, the creation and curation of multiple models is how I experience life. This is another aspect of n-dimensionality, as I typically juggle multiple models at a time. The main dualities, but comparison, are "sense of gender" and "emotional and logical"; the conceptional models themselves are layered onto the emotional-logical duality, and the social interface I experience is connected with the sense of gender's expression range.
Idea: Sri’s Magic Emporium of Widgets and Gewgaws That’s a thing, I’ve decided SMEWG. Hmm, the acronym of like a gassy version of Smaug, despite the embedded MEW Can drop Gewgaws though I like the implication of more than just widgets So adding MORE is maybe the way! Widgets, Gewgaws, and…? ponder ponder …maybe drive in car and visiting somewhere will give ideas. I am going to try pushing through more resistance this weekend, when it’s based on social anxiety or avoidance of imagined inconveniences
Adventure insights! Sri Adventures are similar to NPR Adventures and Public Radio Topical Interests
I could start breaking down boxes though and preparing for a dump run. Also, move the broken vacuum sealer downstairs (it takes up quite a bit of space) and move the Instant Pot there. Then move the table to the dining area, and the dropleaf table to where the couch used to be to make a worky worky nook. I do need to remove or reposition the BIG KALLAX. Maybe I could put it against the wall where the art is, and move that art to the bedroom. Shit, I made a list! Might as well write it down! Cat Magic!!! break down boxes, move to bloocar for Monday move vacuum sealer to basement move dropleaf table to where couch used to be, in compact mode. find frame hanging tools and hardware helpers remove artwork and store in master bedroom temporarily move 4x4 kallax to where dropleaf table used to be move 2x4 kallax to where 4x4 kallax used to be move small dining table in front of 4x4 kallax contemplate life after rearrangement That is a lot of cat energy to expend, but this small cat likes to move things around because curiosity about new arrangement will trump desire to be lazy when need for environmental improvements become necessary! Breaking down boxes I can do tomorrow morning. For the rest of the day, I want to try to get some work done because that would be greeaaaaat. I want to close this project!!! This small cat is amazed and impressed at how lists just magically fall out of its mouth, and notes that it should count on this more! Like hocking up a magic hairball of tasks! Also, slightly unhinged analogies and metaphors often fall out of cat's head, some being good and some being more of a splat. But that's what happens with magical adventure cats. It's one of their befuddling and at times endearing qualities...I think. Of course people who dislike magic and cats (!!!) probably would sniff in displeasure. They can go back to taking care of their goldfish and watching Thursday Night Football. Mew! Savage cat cuts are something I should also work on! :murr:
whoooo is a cat? me me meeee! restless cat mood. limbs want to kick and flail, and I want to chase my tail! Sri has zoomies! It’s very strange. A weighted blanket would be nice
I like being unapologetically agasp at exciting developments. Is agasp a word, was I thinking of agape? Whatever, being excitable is ac good quality for a magical adventure cat.
Mew!!! I am POTATO CAT!!! I am a little horrified but also highly amused. I do love potatoes for their versatility! :king_potato: Japanese Curry is my trigger food, and I have taken great pains to perfect the potato in it. Same in potato salad! Any potato! This is a new revelation! Is there any other vegetable that so embodies Sri-ness? Despite my embarassment, the answer is NO. omg I am even shaped like a potato. Perhaps this can become a comedy bit for social media reasons. Perhaps I can become a slender sweet potato. They are very sexy! And omg the Japanese ones are vastly superior to the red ones. But I have always liked potatoes, even as a little kid, and they were just boiled. Potato starch is also a great starch. Especially sweet potato starch.
Amendments to Values
The kind of curiosity might be relevant in attracting the numbers. This is an idea that is gaining traction in the Sri-kin Architects Playbook! First, the amendment of value statement clause 3 from “pursuit of truth” (which I didn’t like for its aura of righteousness) to “curiosity about truth”. To me, this feels more like it’s referring to the principle behind inquiry without demanding a resolution. It’s sufficient to be curious.
Secondly, recognizing that non Sri-kin have different cognitive architectures, and therefore the way curiosity expresses in me is likely different from others. I have a cross-domain systemizing perspective that uses synthesis in real-time to guide actions, remixing multiple concepts on-the-fly. It’s more common for people to recognize context then recall patterns that optimally match their grasp of the situation for successful execution. There is no synthesis or interest in it. I think this might explain why many people are generally bad at brainstorming and genuine critique. This difference possibly affects how curiosity is triggered in Sri-kin vs non-Sri-kin.
Emotional Events of the Month
- New used car, Bloocar, acquired. I have been treating her like a beloved horse or cow, buying nice floor mats and protective fitting. Driving Bloocar is a source of pleasure, from color to interior and overall utility. Plus, cuteness!
- Watching The Murderbot Diaries television series on AppleTV. Main character, Sec Unit, is relatable to Sri-bot archtype.
- Irritation with development work, lack of closure, misleading dominant React framework being an "the emperor has no clothes" kind of system. VENT: React form controls are a blight that poisons everything they touch. I knew I didn't like it, but its convoluted data flow architecture is eye-poppingly stupid. I'm implementing what should be a simple and efficient dataflow update using well-managed data structures, and the number of hoops I have to jump through to make it "work" is simply ridiculous. Each React component is like an independent country (designed to isolate developers of different skill levels) in the European Union that adhere to strict import/export controls involving many hands and obtuse rationales. AWFUL. I can't wait to dump this shit in our codebases. This is what happens when I listen to other developers who buy into Javascript hype
Narrative Parallel Story about Sri, Cat, and Girl
I will think of character names for the cat and girl that are Sri’s friends in the colony town origin fable. The girl wanted to have a cafe with a big telescope observatory-sized in it. The cat wanted a cheese shop I think. Sri wanted to sell useful things in nearly arranged and pretty boxes. The cat shall be a Bengal Tabby! The girl shall have a curly mop of hair that she tames into a frizzy pony tail! She’s confident in what she wants to do without having to think about it too much. She’s like Bear, but with a number of important missions that wouldn’t interest Bear. Perhaps her demeanor is like Chloe Moretz, who I feel has a very present vibe that is audio grounded. I guess she’s like a well-adjusted neurotypical person who enjoys Sri’s fanciful and elaborate thoughts. And Sri likes and admires her friend’s forthright industriousness without being unencumbered by so much thinking. Not OMG BFFS but more of a genuine warmth because with both, what you see is what you get. That’s a shared perspective! The cat just likes them and has decided that the three of them form a loyal and easy trio. possible girl name: Eleanor (ellie, el, lane y). Maybe last name Rossem because that was a name of a place in the Foundation series that I liked the sound of. possibly cat name: Toberry (Tobes, Toby) , a mixed Bengal that looks like this! Image Always ready to put a paw into an activity because he likes being around the girls when they are talking about doing things. Wants to meet a nice girl cat! Maybe he gets along with Sri because she has many cat-like qualities. I think Sri is also trans in this story but it doesn’t come up. She knows surprising things about male thinking and is naturally wary of male-presenting hucksters. Ugh, today I learned that Asimov was a lecher 😦 A huge one…heart is broken
Biographical review corroborates thoughts on his writing style and lack of characterization, the rare exception being a handful of characters (including Arkady, perhaps modeled on his own daughter). I found it odd that the “humanist” and “great explainer” wrote in such a way. But he was actually just using his “compulsion to write skills”, and then they became a source of power where he could get away with bad behavior? Maybe not a warm person at all in the way I had assumed, despite anecdotes I had read about. So now I can’t read his work without those thoughts. I can acknowledge his skill and contribution to SF and learning but the Sri-kin core that emerged only in the past few years can’t bear it. I think I want to seek the SF authors from the margins now. Still quite depressed, but also enlightened on a number of personal mission levels. This may have ramifications for the Sri, Cat, and Girl story setting. It hasn’t occurred to me to make it SF/F but why not? I have a compulsion to write also, but it stays unseen in a dozen niche areas. If I want people to be seen, maybe I need to learn how to be seen too, and use this power in a better way.
I may amend the characters of the story with Sri, Cat, Girl to Sri as magical adventure cat in a growth stage. Girl can remain as she is (what was her name again? Was it Ashley?) Cat will have to be replaced, because we can't have him falling in love with Sri! Awkward! (it would be inevitable!!!) Girl represents a compatible neurotypical person, I think. The other people who be neurotypical and neurodivergent people who express aspects of various types and dimensions. The common element is aforementioned "presence" and a desire to care for others in their own way; they would recognize the implicit value of authenticity, transparency, and curiosity about truth though express it differently than Sri. Girl is the anchor. At some point, another character that shares some of the higher dimensionality would appear, but I'm not sure what it would be. I don't think it can be Dragon Friend because that would limit the kind of things that I could comfortably express in a fictional world. Imagining other kinds of full-multi-spectral entities would be a good exercise, though!
Being a magical adventure cat is great, I’ve decided! I think Sri should commit to the role! It offers a lot of directions to expand in! The little delighted gurgle in my soul is even stronger than trans gender euphoria. I am pretty sure that actual cats won’t mind. Gatekeeping cat lovers might take offense, but human assimilation of cats as cultural meme makes this harmless I think. But…I think the identity of being a magical adventure cat is probably best kept as a kind of secret. Incognito, able to move freely, applying cat transformations to the data acquired through empirical means! Basically, avoid being seen by people who SUCK :murr:
I pinned a couple of cat-girl-sri related messages. Apparently girl has had two names! ASTRA (because of stars) and ELEANOR (because that is what I liked, especially because there are so many nicknames she could have). The cat's name was Toby (or Tobes, which could still work). His tropes are being a chill and capable, someone who speaks through his actions and attunement to the needs of a situation that his comrades are facing. He has the self assuredness of Bear and doesn't feel the need to express his feelings that much verbally. He finds quiet contentment in being around others that are also builders in their own way, and shares a similar view of humanity being best when people cooperate to make life better without kicking up a big fuss about it. Maybe he's a little hard to read in terms of his facial expressions because he's pretty even-tempered and has mastered the art of moving with efficient purpose. He likes Eleanor's mad plan to build an observatory cafe, and Sri's neurotic energy to build magical artifacts and see the connections between all kinds of things that he hadn't thought to look at. He strikes me as also being human, not an animal. I wonder if Sri is also human, and keeps her magical adventure cat spirit to herself? I think the story may be leaning in that direction. But if I were to assign critters, they'd have to have some physical qualities related to available critters: Sri is a cat, duh! I'd like to say she's an orange cat, but I think I would like to reserve that for future visitors to the town, as orange cats are a delight and I don't feel cool enough to be an orange cat. I would be exceedingly good and forming elegant loafs, though, and be a bit pudgy. I'd want short fur, or would need it groomed if it was longer. I could be a forest cat! But that's also way cool. Ellie is something that is sturdy, elegant, and industrious. Maybe a cool bird of some kind. One of the raptors? A corvid of some kind? Didn't think of birds before! 🤩 Tobes is something that is industrious and direct. A beaver perhaps? An otter? A badger? I think probably I'm flip-flopping between anthropomorphized animals and actual animals; if I go this direction, I'd have to create animal-like creatures (like in Animal Crossing) for them to work in the town setting. It may be worth revisiting Richard Scarry books (there is one I need to get that I don't have to connect with childhood) I think Girl/Ella would have some of Nancy Drew's qualities! ❤️ Her passion would be big telescopes and baked goods, though! Sri might adopt the sleuthing mystery and organizational bag parts! I totally wanted to beeeee Nancy Drew when I was a kid :murr: The 2007 movie was my favorite visualization of her!
Thinking that for The Magical Adventure Cat Chronicles (Working TItle?) one quality that Sri has with Ellie is that they like rummaging around to research things that the other is interested in. I think Tobes would approach this in a different way, though. Maybe he caches the research and would just bring it up if he feels he needs to know. He represents the archetype of person who has that singular focus on mastering a production/craft process one at at time. Sri lacks this singular focus and tends to go all over the place chasing them rather than sitting still and doing the thing for long days because she gets kinda bored. And easily distracted by ideas. She hates to think herself as merely an "idea cat", associating them with idiots who don't know how to do anything but lord their "great ideas and expertise" over the people doing the work, but is starting to think she's no better.
Maybe I should crab less. Yesterday I was quite crabby about the undesired detour into rewriting the entire validation/migration stack because it sucks and wasted hours of my time. Instead, I could have just noted it calmly. Tobes-like. Tobesian. Ellie would not have gotten angry like Sri. Ellie would have frowned, and start cleaning stuff up without letting it get to her. Murrrr. I guess Sri is the more neurotic of the three. I don't know how to manage this. I think this is a long standing character flaw I have, easily getting angry at inconvenience and improper preparations. But in this case, the person writing it did their best I think. My reaction is shaped by years of putting-up with the limits and filling-in for them as things came up. This was fine when I felt that there was engagement with me and a promise to improve, but my silent (and unsolicited) emotional labor being in the secondary role has been completely exhausted. Hence the desire to strike out on my own again. I am irritated by lack of good team structure and communication with shared attunement to both individual and mission needs This is an underlying theme of the adventure cat stories. And it comes from my frustrations IRL.
Learning to access the unmindful state is something that’s emerging this year. Simply Being. Like Bear. And perhaps like Tobes in the story with Cat and Ellie. mew…oh yes shower. Cat me is very strong today. I am trying to fight it with focus and discipline but maybe I must flow selfishly like cat when in this mood. Not cool and chill like Bear or Tobes, or energetic and quietly focused like Ellie. What might they say to me??? Bear might kindly say (duh) “Sri is Sri” ❤️
Tobes would not say anything, but give Sri a few potatoes and ask her to peel them so he can make a simple dinner, and I would just watch contently. No, don’t fall in love with Tobes!!! :rageguin_a: Ellie would sit me down while listening to me yammer, give me something baked to try, and then ask me what I really wanted to do. And I would say I don’t know! Everything? Just to be magical adventuring? And then she might say something annoyingly reasonable like, “why not start by taking a shower and then run your candy errand? I’ll be here when you get back. I can give you something to do, but really you want to make progress on your own thing I think. Don’t worry about it. Movement without Mindfulness works more often than you think, from what I’ve observed about the magical adventure cats I’ve known”
I’d boggle the first time and ask if she’s known a lot of magical adventure cats, and she’d grin with a teasing sparkle, “no, just the one! I don’t know if I could handle more than that!” I’d laugh but also be secretly happy about it. And think she’s so good at grounding me even though she’s not like me at all! Don’t fall in love with her either!!! :rageguin_a: Actually, I shouldn’t deny this love. It’s ok to have such affection! By holding it back maybe I am distorting love with unvocalized beliefs that love is only for romance. But it’s not!!! I also do love Sri, don’t I. She is all I talk about. So I should accept that too. Mew!!!
I feel something has broken inside and now I am weeping. The love I feel is from made-up archetypes but they are also me in a weird way. Is this fucked up? Will present to therapist on Monday. I feel that unblocking this is important foundational work to be present and grounded in all relationships with others. At least, in the way I want to exist. Perhaps this is impractical and seen as naive, but desire is super strong. I do feel a bit calmer. This may be turning point of the day.
(hm, Tobes and Ellie sort of track ideal father and mother archetypes as I imagine them as mentors) (also talking about Sri has been really important…I didn’t realize I was doing that, otherwise I might have suppressed it even in this safe space for fear of being overbearingly self-centered. My previous blog post style may come across that way too, will have to assess.)
I was looking into making a home for magical adventure cats online and workshopped a name. This might be where the story goes. I would host on a cheap digital ocean droplet for 5 bucks a month. Register domain on Porkbun, where I keep my non-identity domains. The idea is not to provide easy metadata for people to figure out its me. But I don’t need this expense to get started. That’s a mistake I often make. Prove it with ready content staged on existing infrastructure. Earn the deployment. Remember the little red hen!!! She is like Ellie! I am NOT the little red hen because I don’t do the work 😮
I’m like another barnyard animal that instead of saying “not I” says “That is a laudable idea! I’d like to do something similar, after I’m done digging up this pesky root. Where was it? Not here? Not there?” 🫢 Sri is Sri. It is ok to flow with movement, when Sri feels the tug or is swept along. She rides the winds of love and chases starbeams where she sees them. She delights in every critter she meets and falls into their emotional orbit until she floats away, distracted by another sparkly thing in the distance. It is an exhausting existence, and Sri grows old :LofiGirlTear: Sri can still be Sri and still make a difference every day. She has taken a long time to acquire this much stardust, and she still has time to pollinate more stars? Unexpected shower thoughts I have learned how to be emotionally present. This took a mere 50 years (sneaky Frieren reference) I am now learning how to be physically present I should accept all Bumble BFF likes Downstairs. Still feeling much pleasure at rearranged floor plan
Social Aggravations
I’m feeling extremely angry at stock market and greedy financial investors. I want people to invest responsibly into egalitarian public goods that sustain people and elevate overall prosperity. Too many bad faith shadow agendas protecting financial interests and shielding the decision makers who hide behind fabricated excuses with thin humane skins.
I’m so angry that I’m indulging in vengeful fantasies. Partly influenced by recent media ingestion and feelings of powerless noted among local acquaintances. Elevated heart rate. Tension detected in body. Ordinarily this is not a desirable frame of mind for a Sri-kin, but I want to try to form it into a colder surgical form to see what it looks like.
Woken by spam call. Highly Annoyed by scum of earth. Remember, small cat, that we can choose our construct and mental framing over reactive annoyance. We are fluffy and resistant to squishing forces that try to suppress it!
On Being Seen and Accepted
The social media dialog about masking seems to stem from feelings of not being seen or allowed to be who they are in their social contexts. This doesn’t quite affect me; I’m weirdly detached from this now, as I’ve reframed it as a difference in cognitive processing compatibility, not active indifference or lack of caring.
At the Neurodivergent Adults meetup, the woman who speaks only Spanish showed up, and isn’t there for the actual topic. She just interjects with comments and questions to participate socially and get dialect of Spanish ( Dominican ) is beyond understanding of other Spanish speakers. She is maybe looking for belonging and is not shy about pushing to be heard. However, it makes the meeting difficult to bear for me, and I don’t think the library staff can turn her away from the meeting. This is a case where I feel that I have to withdraw from the group for my own sanity. There was another man, maybe in his twenties, accompanied by his outgoing aunt or other caretaker relative. He was socially awkward in that his filter and social mannerisms were that of a 14 year old boy that liked weird facts and trick questions, at times being stopped by his relative from expressing something socially inappropriate. But he was genuine and I think felt like part of the group conversation, which was a “share your special interests” theme (when not hijacked by the Spanish-speaking lady who no one could understand)
A takeaway for me, though, was that I don’t think the Neurodivergent Adults Meetup is a comfortable space for me, and I am not actually as accommodating of others in this way. My needs are not met by the group, but it allowed me to create with some area people (librarians) so in a sense the purpose has been fulfilled.
I want to be around builders that thrive on exchanging stories about their creative experience, and love learning about the people behind them.
I think the mission behind such a group is to provide the social infrastructure where people can learn about each other in a multi-channel, organic way. This is supported by technology and physical spaces that are like a museum of member artifacts. Less a Colony than a museum of our individual dreams, dedicated to detailing the progress toward fulfilling them. A step down from a guild. No implicit mission to grow or compete for achievement glory. More like a school where academics are appreciated, but what’s counted the sharing and participation. And the takeaway isn’t what you want to learn, but the people you meet there.
Makerspaces have this vibe, but it’s often too technical and a bit cliquey to break into. They are limited in their social outreach by whoever is running it. And the scale is probably too large for me to want to participate in. I’m too selfish about wanting to spend my time with people who are natural sharers that have the values of authenticity, transparency, and curiosity. (i think curiosity was the missing term for the triumvirate of values)
There are, though, people who do align in the important ways that are known only when they emerge as a surprise. Sri wants to be an approachable magical adventure cat, but is actually a complicated kind of monster that diverges from peoples expectations. This is the paradox of Sri’s existence and it hurts a lot. I am feeling waves of emotion pouring out in my tears of recognition, but it’s not despair anymore. There’s nothing unique about this experience in humanity, but this is the one that matters to me right now. It is the way that people exist when they are apart.
It is the hard core of Sri-ness, though I sense I’m saying that because of desire to be playfully dramatic. Which is a good sign that I might be getting past this feeling. Let me not think of accommodating other people for a while. Let me not think of other people’s unsaid emotional need. Let me not assume the emotional labor of creating sophisticated opportunities to connect.
Let me be neutral-warm.
I feel like right now, I am trapped between two worlds. The world I look towards is that of colony and meadow. The world I am in now? It’s one of isolation where Sri is adrift and on the edge of despair (at least today).
Regarding CAPACITY: My creative capacity when working solo has always been rather low, given more to talk like this than actual work 😐 My work capacity can be higher, because there's at least a direct client that drives me. Current working situation feels more bleak because of the lack of connection or excitement about technology and meeting needs of people that I like sharing. Being able to foster some kind of self-originating enthusiasm that is undampened by embarrassment would be good. I think in story terms, Sri has my anxieties in this regards, but her friends Ellie and Tobes affirm her by being examples of people who also have confidence in expressing their nature and needs, and recognize Sri as being someone that is like them in that regard though she's still shy about it 💗 Which suggests that I can channel my enthusiasm in the same way...I get very excited about other people's work, and want to see them do it. I have the attunement skills of Tobes and some of the expressiveness-command of Ella. Ella, perhaps, is the evolution of the Dave2000 construct. Tobes, perhaps, is the evolution of confidence in my skill and belief in "tangible creations" being what matters. Mew! Sri, then, is the anxious but cracking with magical insights cat that has trouble controlling her pouncing reflex long enough to achieve what Ella and Tobes can do. She doesn't need taming, so much, as she needs discipline. And this discipline comes from the sense of belonging with her friends that have grand dreams of their own, and have made the conscioius effort to be inclusive of her. If I project myself into this as I am, I am still "but a small cat", grateful but fearful still of rejection. I am still quite hurt by past experiences and feelings of being misunderstood or appreciated from a distance. Sad mew. Sri does have earnestness, yes, that she isn't aware of. It takes her over in a kind of trance that (I'm told) is fun to see. But because I'm in the trance, I don't really notice that I'm doing it and it's like I'm channeling some spirit....when I come out of it, I feel like I was someone who channeled something that was different than what I look like and feel nervous about it. Unfettered enthusiasm and earnestness...not considered cool! But these days, "cringe" is being embraced by the GenZers as part of the human condition. Being a little cringe seems to be seen as good and authentic, though it's still acknowledged that it's weird. Mew.
Sri might do well to accept that isolation is her natural state and will not change for quite some time. It would be practical to see the situation as one requiring hard labor without the distraction of hope, but with the belief in actions creating movement that shape the future. Being selective and deliberate about these movements is what I should focus on.
Hope of rescue and acceptance and community? These are dead for now. Dormant, because conditions right now in this place starve them to death. That gives me some clarity that it’s not entirely depressing, as it reduces the emotionality to a useful scope. Finding builder-kin…this only happens if I build. For now, what I build is my nest for the current situation and manage non-builder tasks as I can. I feel I can kill my dreams for now because I am confident that they will grow back. So the experiment for today is do that for a few hours.
Sri is sad to be so misunderstood and apart, and this is the source of the despair. It’s too much to bear, and can not carry the current burden to maintain movement. There is a version of Sri that I have tried to contain, the one that is confident of her uniqueness and intelligence as being a superlative approach, albeit hampered by gaps in skill and capacity. This one sees emotion and logic in others as dials that can be adjusted through selective action, sentiment conveyance, and limited data exchange. It’s a rather cold way of looking at people, but it’s also how most other people look at me. They aren’t as aware of it, though, or they don’t want to say it out loud because it’s risky.
In that sense, I am a monster. I can see why it’s threatening. Society tries to mask it themselves, as there are monstrous thoughts in them too. I suspect even if I wanted to, I couldn’t be a self-interested monster in a truly terrifying way. But the toolkit is accessible and it can be the shield that operates for now to get out of this hellish situation. I don’t need comfort or assurances that things will get better from well-meaning people who aren’t capable of understanding me. And it’s not their responsibility to change their thinking to accomodate me; it is beyond their fixed mental architecture.
I can still be a good cat at the same time. All Sris are good cats, aren’t they? Of course they are!
Thirdly, the preference for sentiment-driven vs data-driven conversation may be heavily influenced by the cognitive architecture. The very idea of sentiment in Sri-kin expresses as human-centered design for humane purposes; it’s about how people relate. Whereas in the other cognitive architecture, sentiment is about the self as it relates to others; it’s how I feel in the moment first. From this, I hypothesize that attracting a greater audience means that I package my curiosity as a passive item for consumption, not synthesis. More 90S ideas, but applied for people who just want the pattern to match with a solution and are curious about new ones. They are sophisticated thinkers in their own way, and this is their need. And they can be much more efficient executors. Even for other Sri-kin, I have to recognize that packaging systems and concepts build on the context discrimination patterns that are shared between all rational cognitive architectures. And it is very time consuming. This is the challenge of creating good materials for learning across different cognitive architectures that, at minimum, have a high-enough discrimination ability.
Today is Nashua Pride Parade, and no one I mentioned it to expressed interest, so I’ll go by myself. I’m feeling a bit unsure about going and overall disconnected today, but I have to not let this uncertainty paralyze me. That said, I feel tension all throughout my body. Some bad dreams last night that I cant remember had a similar social uncertainty / feeling of othering.
I’m going to try editing out the negative stuff when I talk to people, though it feels untruthful. 90S masking probably applies to small talk, but on the session count not minutes-in-session count. I feel particularly moody today.
Hmm, a rant about AI had me thinking that I need to try agentic coding AI to see what it’s like. I can’t get ahead of it if I don’t know what I’m dealing with. Probably Cursor. Sri (they/she) — 6/24/25, 12:46 PM Annoyed again by React’s perverse lifecycle getting in the way of async operations. Sri (they/she) — 6/24/25, 1:33 PM One use of AI: when I am confirming React stuff, I can close the chat session with loud complaints about its architectural decisions and Claude will happily affirm me, though it never uses terms like "assinine" or "boneheaded" :murr:
I blew a bunch of time talking about M3GAN with Claude to see what patterns in positive community reactions there were; they were LGBTQ+ and ND communities. And this rambled through comparative media popularity of the archetype across different cultures, to identifying communities of empowerment. An interesting takeaway was me suggesting that the characters in Star Trek Discovery broke the norm of “neurodivergent characters have to be flawed, broken, but brilliant too fit into neurotypical expectations”, particularly Stammet and Reno who are really just presented as “well-adjusted people”.
This lead to the idea of creating “mini starfleets” were clarity of mission, personalized diversity in perspectives, clear roles, and training for positive teamwork within this framework are what provide the institutional structure for compatible neurodivergent people. Another way to frame The Colony. So that was a worthwhile takeaway, but I’ve used 40% of my thinking budget for the day already!!! I am thinking of going to the bank to run an errand for dad, then starbucks to do some work until maybe 2pm. I suspect this will use the rest of my energy budget and I will become dysregulated as far as “doing stuff” is concerned. Movement, though, could change the outcome. As would conscious switching-off of brain, something I need to really learn how to do. Mew, hugging mr penguin counts!!!
Reaching out...why do I find this so stressful. I need to believe in the Sri that knows that people like her and have their words to say yes or no, and that's just life...the bond comes from reaching out and offering help over time! And being pleasant Sri self.
(one nice thing about being a cat is that jumpy unfathomable acts is baked into the archetype...so these musings just seem natural and amusing to me, which is a positive energy maintainer) (cute girl energy is very similar to cat energy...I just want to burble about things with them) (I can make the argument that cat energy is just as cute, in the right contexts!)
Effect of Environment on Mood
I have been avoiding my house. I should spend time there to reclaim it. I can build the chair and put up shelves that are still in the box for three years.
- purchased reading chair, reorganized one bedroom to be comfortable. Mood improved!
- reorganized living to be more open. shocking levels of improvement to mood.
New Concepts
building strong connections and the infrastructure that makes them thrive. Perhaps this is the missing bridge! Building! This is what binds the meadow and the colony together, the desire to build with others, not just consume as an individual.
SriBot detected difference in deep processing versus surface pattern recognition. What I was doing earlier today was the latter, I think, and I believe this is the dominant cognitive architecture of most people.
Selectively disabling deep modeling integration helps my brain rest and stay more regulated because it simply isn’t overdrawing energy budget. Or so SriBot theorizes.
And deep reconciliation of logic, emotion, myself, and relations with others is even more power hungry that just sticking with one preferred pole of one axis. SriBot often is trying to reconcile several axes at once. Having control over which systems operate? Is potentially extremely helpful! I think this model maps well to my lived experience, even if it is an unsubstantiated theory of cognition. And to remind myself, it is only as good as my models are in tracking real people and situations…they are helpful reference points for understanding, not perfect predictive control.
Also SriBot consciously includes emotion as primary input for cognition in real world experiences, each participant its own amalgamation of patterns and models. I think this is probably weird to non-magical entities, like describing a color or other sensation they are not equipped to perceive. They presume I am crazy or delusional because they can’t experience what I experience, lacking also imagination despite default assumption of good will.