Summary of 0808:
I recognized that doing things without motivation was just not going to happen, so focusing on writing to create motivation through connection seemed more important. Nothing would change unless I could re-establish that connection.
Summary up to 0909:
Letting go of false hopes, I think, is the theme of this month's GHDR.
- Without Connection, Sri Dies. Sri has been dying for the past year.
- Sri can't overcome chronic resistance alone. 20 years of data back this.
- Sri has been trapped by false connection for 20 years also, barely surviving.
- Sri has to admit mortality and limits in capability, and scale accordingly without compromising on key connection.
- Until then, nothing else will change meaningfully or sustainably.
- The priority, then, is really indulging the pursuit of quality connection in a way that eschews faux loyalties and other people's priorities, letting go of imbalanced "consideration of others" over my own needs which go unrecognized - and unmet despite the overall good qualities of current work/social connections.
- Figuring out how to combine the dilemma of needing a specific scooby gang with ingrained belief that it's hopeless so I can go on is the pickle.
- Theoretical Mitigations?
- The priority is the pursuit of quality connection in a way that eschews other people's priorities. This entails letting go of imbalanced "consideration of others" over needs which go unrecognized and unmet. I do have overall good work/- social connections, but they do not meet my needs.
- Figuring out how to persist despite the hopeless feeling is the pickle. Death seems closer than figuring out this puzzle.
- While this death is metaphorical, I have noticed a physical degradation over the past year that is possibly due to the exhaustion of "Sri positivity" over too long a period without environmental restorative energy.
- I rest with these thoughts lightly, with a triage mindset. The situation is not ideal but I think I am seeing it clearly and still have room to manuever.
- To some extent I am also putting a brave face on it.
Reflection:
- I am thinking that despite screentime/scrolling behavior being very high, that means I haven’t entirely given up.
- Craving meaning, connection, camaraderie, and also being a prominent reference of such things continues to be at the root of my activities.
- It is also how I want to make my living in a self sustainable way.
- And my nemesis is the lack of cameraderie in commitment to craft in this context. Also, my own anxieties and long-time inability to push without carrying camaraderie increasingly limits my hope.
- The latter is the limiter. It’s slowly choking me to death.
- Time is something, paradoxically, that I think I need to ignore. There is a sense of urgency that I feel I need but the way I have applied it is not through the right medium.
- Productivity has been a false prophet.
- I think I also need to start treating work as a priority because it does not feed my core.
- It is the one “close” daily relationship related to doing things together, so I have subconsciously given it priority in my head.
No longer. I will try to find other things to prioritize.
Takeaways in Progress:
The primary takeaway from earlier notes:
- emotional: I'm feeling I can not make sustained progress by myself for more than short bursts. I have tried everything I can think of. I am and have been metaphorically dying, and it is a serious emergency.
- reflection: Connection with others on compatible terms is the missing factor. I have optimistically dedicated to connections for secondary reasons; this is a poor substitute that keeps me in cycles of frustration and disapointment.
- doom option: Give up and accept smallness and lack of fitness and just die already
- sri reassment of priorities: Let go of those connections and mitigations that not primary Sri factors. Prioritize pursuit of primal Sri principles and projects. Secondary connections to release are prioritizing work for other people over mind own, adhering to productivity principles, and over-accommodating the potential needs of others over my own.
- sri mitigation of physical tiredness: Also get out of the house to prevent lethargy from chronic resistance make me fall asleep or eat too much. Do things that are aligned with Sri priorities of curiosity-feeding, sensory, domestic improvement, and physical motion to maintain energy.
- sri triage of concerns: Work is important to other people's priorities, and these should not override my own. My priority right now is to get out of this emotional death spiral and rekindle the spark of creativity and good chair. The longer-term priority is to reach out and form connections with people who share an abundance of traits with me.
APPENDIX: PEEVES
I don’t really understand it. It offended something very primal. There are certain expressions and actions that trigger it at lower levels: lies, othering, expressed thought of cutting corners, willful clinging to logical fallacies, hiding behind larger organizations, pretending that promises aren’t important or back pedaling, not owning up to mistakes, deflecting weaknesses onto other people, passive aggressiveness, scapegoating, willful exclusion, blindness to the need of others, self-centeredness in communication, lack of commitment to the essential craft of their claimed expertise, using status as leverage…
APPENDIX: SRI CHURNINGS
- Death is metaphorical, but it is strongly felt. I have tried to put a brave face over it through relentless (and plausible) positivity, but I think I am ready to give up and reassess my position. I can not fight this battle alone, so scaling back or retreating is the prudent immediate step.
- There are many falsehoods that I can let go of. Productivity is, in my case, a false prophet because it does not match my own situational need.
- There is a disconnect between my perception of desirable goals with those of other people. While commonalities exist, there are very specific conditions that are not shared by other people. I have to date tried to accommodate other people's needs as well as possible, but this well has run dry and I have to prioritize my own principles over both mundane and collaborative pragmatism.
- I need to admit there are certain things about me that set me apart. I am loathe to think or say such things, but there is probably a way to acknowledge differences without breaking the essential equality that exists between humans, and is capable of mitigating or withstanding the inevitable conflict that arises without taking a vengeful or reactionary posture.
APPENDIX: SRIKIN COMPARED TO OTHER GROUPS
There's a theory I have about groups as relating to SriKin
- PROSOCIALLY MOTIVATED SRIKIN - Prosocially-motivated personalities are shaped these tendencies because of sustained and persistent negative shaping life experiences. They are driven to create sanctuaries instead of letting themselves be further victimized.
- SRIKIN ALLIES - Those who enjoy prosocially-motivated social groups. This is a larger group of people who believe, for whatever reason, in sharing resources and cooperating with each other for the sense of a greater good. This group is further divided into layers based on emotional maturity and intelligence.
- PREDOMINANTLY SELF-SERVING - There are groups also that believe more in "survival of the fittest" and "entitlement to take what I want" and "might makes right".
Key cultural ideals for SRIKIN
- generosity, conscientiousness, empathy
- self-empowerment, positive-mindedness
- willingness to learn through experimentation and share the results
- direct, honest, guileless communication
- clear-eyed view of the vast diversity of human need, perception, and experience
- ability to shift perceptions and perspectives based on context
- strong desire to learn, produce, and create tangible results that impact other people
- a "human-centered" approach to work, productivity, creativity, and systems thinking
- meticulous and intentional communication of promises and commitments, with the ability to keep track of them within one's ability
- active recognition of other's contributions and successes, and giving credit where credit is due
- knowing what one knows, and knowing what one does not
- articulates the difference between knowledge, theory, and speculation
- distinguishes between consumption and production mindsets
- is not shy about sharing what truly interests them, once they have determined the level of social safety in a given context
- awareness of how one's word and actions affect the mood of others without pandering to social patterns
- able to provide signaling in conversations regarding overflow, overload, need for additional detail, mental capacity at the moment. true active listening requires this sensitivity.
- being able to sit with dark emotions and express them without lashing out or blaming others
Key ideas for SRIDOMAIN
- A place where the SRIKIN ideals are the laws of the land
- Good for everyone, not just SRIKIN
- On guard against the self-serving faction.